Massage, Yoga, Facials and Fluffy White Robes. No, Not a Posh Spa... IN IKEA! with the Swedish Furni

Lying on my comfy bed, in my fluffy white robe and slippers waiting

for my facial, I casually flick through a magazine. But this isn't

a fancy spa retreat somewhere in the Cotswolds. I am in fact, inside

Ikea's Lakeside store, Essex.

I was joining 10 lucky customers and their guests for an overnight

stay in the flagship store's pop-up spa 'Retreat'.

Similar experiences were being rolled out that same evening in

Ikea's Belfast, Manchester, Warrington and Glasgow stores, and this

weekend, customers can experience similar spa-related activities in

their local Ikea.

I had to admit to feeling a bit apprehensive about spending a night

in Ikea, after all, pop-up is not a word you would normally associate

with a brand that specialises in flat-pack furniture and

incomprehensible instructions.

Would I have to put together my own massage table? Would my facial

be missing a vital component, that I'd have to wait months for the

store to restock before being able to have my face back?

I've been an Ikea customer for years but I will never

understand why mankind has spent thousands of years turning a flint

arrowhead into a lithium pivot handle screwdriver, only for the Swedes

to come along with their 'no tool' assembly.

Arriving on Sunday evening, most of the store was in darkness and

with the last customer long departed, I joined the other guests in the

lounge area by the canteen. After changing into my PJs in the

ladies' loos, we were given fluffy Ikea robes and slippers to wear

and our surreal experience began...

20:00 We all sat in the store canteen for a healthy supper served

by friendly Ikea staff in their baseball-style stripy yellow uniforms.

Normally herding customers out by this time, Ikea's staff seemed a

bit out of their comfort zone.

Prawn starters followed by salmon lasagne was all very well, but

let's face it, we would all have preferred chips with their famous

Swedish meatballs.

"Oh, I love Ikea food," sighed Sophia Jordan, who was

there with her mum Kim Breton from nearby Basildon.

"Actually," she continued, "I love anything Ikea."

"Mmm, she does," agreed her mum, tucking in to the lemon

tart pudding. "She comes here every week!"

Given the slightly surreal circumstances, I gave the cheese course

a miss. It's fair to say despite the camaraderie among guests and

staff, we were all weirded out by the prospect of sleeping in the store.

The last thing I wanted was a cheese-induced nightmare of being chased

through the market hall by one of its Idealisk graters.

21:00 After supper, we gathered up our belongings and followed the

Ikea team into the bed and bath department to choose our beds and start

our treatments.

The bad news was everyone would have to share with their guest,

apart from me as I was on my own. The good news was we could take the

bedding and spa robes home in our goodie bags, which also contained the

Ikea catalogue full of bedroom and bathroom solutions promising,

"Where the wonderful everyday starts." Clearly Ikea has never

been in my bathroom where I have a screaming row with my five-year-old

daughter Jesse most days before she takes her wonderfulness to school.

Faced with a big roomful of made-up beds, I wouldn't say there

was an unseemly haste when faced with a room filled with free

"Somnig bed linen", but the ladies got a bit "Gaspa

bedsheets" when they found their perfect "Slumra

pillowcases".

My bedroom had already been chosen for me and came with a grey and

white stripy duvet set, pretty white girly bedroom furniture and a wall

full of spookily empty family pictures.

One of the guests, Gaynor French from Tonbridge, Kent, was a bit

worried about sleeping in a room with 20 other women and a few

press-ganged male partners. "I don't even like sleeping with

my husband," she moaned, before shuffling off to her first

treatment.

21:30 Over in one of the luxury bedroom displays, three beauty

therapists had set up shop with their massage chairs. After a short demo

on how to use home ingredients like olive oil, lemon and brown sugar to

exfoliate, I was able to sit back and relax with a soothing lavender oil

facial massage.

I tried to forget I was in a shop surrounded by big price tickets

saying stuff like PS6 for a soft, bobbly Toftbo shower mat. Although

just replacing my wet, slimy bathroom mat with one of these would

certainly enhance my own at-home spa experience.

22:00 In the next room, tips on how to get a good night's

sleep from Ikea's resident sleep expert Claire Ward had us all

nodding off. "So what does sleep mean to you?" she asked my

group of mostly knackered mums sweating in their thick robes.

22:30 Ready for my next treatment in another bedroom display, I

climbed into a sports massage chair that looked like it could have come

out of an early 1980s Ikea catalogue.

Admitting I had some lower back issues to the therapist, he said,

"I have just the thing for that," then pressed his forehead

into my back. "A novel approach," I thought. "Must be a

new technique from Sweden."

23:00 Moving swiftly on to the massage beds, I was looking forward

to a more relaxing experience. It's been a while since a man has

asked me to take my bra off but I have to admit the lovely masseur got

rid of all my knotty bits. I try to remind myself this is a

Swedish-style spa retreat, which means getting your KNOCKERs out in

public.

23:30 After doing my teeth in the ladies' public loo, it was

time for bed.

As the lights were dimmed, one of the guests, Alethea Lowles from

Orpington, Kent, got a fit of the giggles falling into her Fjell bed.

I'm not sure if it was the heat or my room's spooky fake

staircase that kept me awake but I didn't drop off until 2am even

with two sleep masks on.

06:39 I've woken up to many things but Michael Jackson's

Beat It on the store's Tannoy now has pride of place on my

mantelpiece of hell. "Oops," said the staff. "We were

trying to wake you up with birdsong but we had a slight radio

malfunction."

07:00 Back in the lounge for a 30-minute session of yoga before

breakfast, I couldn't hear the instructor over the roar of the

air-con machine.

Doing the downward dog watching the sun rise over Lakeside was

followed by a sugar rush from the pastries and fruit served for

breakfast. Then at 8:30am it was chucking out time.

I didn't feel terribly relaxed, it's hard to sleep with

20 people in your room, but it was an "experience".

And maybe we should all be thankful Ikea doesn't do yoga as

its Allen key pose would be impossible to achieve.

Enjoy meditation, massage and workshops at Ikea's Ideas

Festival this weekend Sept 13-14 taking place at its stores nationwide.

To apply, visit events.myikeafamily.com

It's been a while since a man asked me to take my bra off but

I admit it, he got rid of my knots!

CAPTION(S):

Enjoying a lavender oil facial massage

The lounge area, aka the canteen

That's those back issues sorted

Pensive about the night ahead

Tucked up with two sleep masks

Hard to feel Zen under those lights

A novel way to be massaged, in front of 20 others Pictures: TIM

ANDERSON