8 Gifts for the President-elect Who Has It All: Jill Lawrence

What do you get for the president-elect who has it all, most of it encrusted in gold? Christmas shopping for Donald Trump is a challenge. But there are a few items he might appreciate under his treenevertheless. And the ones he doesn't appreciate, well, he needs those most of all.So here are eight gifts for an incoming president that he probably hasn't requested and that mightnot have occurred to his friends and family:"Unprecedented adventures and unsurpassed luxury" on acruise from Anchorage to New York through the Northwest Passage. This isa long trip, 32 days starting in August, but the Crystal Serenity is boat enough to be able to handle a replica Oval Office (a set, if you will)from which the celebrity president could conduct business (perform, if you will). We're talking penthouses with verandas and Riedel stemware. It's not Trump Tower, true. But here's what makes thisirresistible (aside from the chanceto go AWOL from D.C. during the swampiest time of the year): It's a prime andprolonged opportunity for Trump to tout the economic benefits of global warming, such asexpected booms in tourism and other industriesin communities along the formerly frozen Northwest Passage.It's also an exciting chance to glimpse polar bearsthathave been moving north tofind moreice.Fares startat$21,855,and you can bet it will cost a lot more to accommodate a President Trump, but you can also bet that Melania and the kids - and we taxpayers - can afford it.Fast-food mix pack of gift cards for Taco Bell, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Hardee's and Carl's Jr.Let no onedoubtthatTrump isaman of the people.Fancyreproduction of George Washington's annotatedcopy of the Constitution, laminated in anticipation of heavy use. Hisjob being so new at the time, Washingtonwent through the document and wrote "president" next to each section that explained some executive powerthis just invented "president" person needed to worry about. The result is a handy cheat sheetfor a novice with a short attention span.President'sDaily Brief flashcards pack, for the busy chief executive on the run from country to country, from Trump hotel to Trump hotel, who wants to keep up with threats to the homeland. Sample question: Which international leader was personally involved with hacking the Democratic National Committee?Free passes and a generous concession package for Dad and his five kids to see the new film Two Presidents at a Time, amadcap comedy (and maybe someday even a real one!) about a president-elect who launches his own foreign policy three months before taking office. From humiliations and confusion to an inadvertent trade war and a barely averted real war, many mishaps and pratfalls ensue as the incoming chief executive pals around with dictators, upends world relationships, and keeps tens of millions entertained with his refreshingly spontaneous tweets and phone conversations.Related: Presidential Tweets for All Occasions, a (hopefully soon to be written) guide for the propriety-, empathy- and diplomacy-impaired commander in chief hacking a path through the social media jungle. Yes: "Our prayers are with those injured and killed early this morning in horrifying act of terror in Orlando." No: "Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism, I don't want congrats, I want toughness & vigilance. We must be smart!" Yes: "My heart breaks for Aleppo." No: "Has anyone looked at the really poor numbers of @VanityFair Magazine. Way down, big trouble, dead! Graydon Carter, no talent, will be out!"POLICING THE USA:Alook at race, justice, mediaSampler and throw pillows tastefully cross-stitched with this message (thanks and apologies to the Politico leadership): "POTUS is representing America at all times and on all platforms, and must present himself accordingly." Once bestowed, cross your fingersand pray.Give Please a Chance, the (real) new best-sellerby Bill O'Reilly and James Patterson that teaches children the value of being polite. "From finding a lovable stray dog to needing a partner on a seesaw, from reading a bedtime story to really, really needing a cookie,Give Please a Chancedepicts scenes and situations in which one small word can move mountains." I know what you're thinking. Why try to persuade children to be nice when the incoming president rose to the top inbusiness, TV and politics by being a rude and vulgar bully? Why encourage gentle behavior guidelines that will be crushed, mocked and contravened by reality 10 times a day for the next four years? How could O'Reilly, aTrump devotee, write this with a straight face?Let's set all that aside for Christmas, thankfully restored to its high glory and properly exalted status in America by the incoming president and O'Reilly himself. BecauseO'Reilly is the lead co-author on this book, maybe Trump will read it and maybe, in the spirit of Christmas, he'll even take it to heart.Jill Lawrence is the commentary editor of USA TODAY.